What do you do for a living?

I’m a professional in the software development industry.  I’ve been there 18 months. I’ve been gainfully employed in the industry for 16 years as of today.

Do you enjoy it?
No. Not any more. I don’t think its the company.  I think I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of the politics ion the office. I’m tired of working for someone else. Tired of people not owning what they do in their job. I think and I want people to do the best that they can and when somebody doesn’t want to make decisions because they are afraid or somebody doesn’t want to make judgement calls or relay bad news.  That’s horrible. And its like that. it’s prevalent now. With the instant gratification. Don’t want to be hated attitude.  Nobody wants to carry the stick and I’m tired of doing it for other people.

Do you have a favorite coworker?
*sigh* I don’t know. everybody kind of gets on my nerves – not just at work, but everyone everywhere.  I think it’s a social disorder.  The ones that are nice don’t stand up for each other or they are two-faced. I guess my favorite would be one that I brought from another company.  I hired him over into this company to work with me.  He can be an absolute pain in the  ass and get on my nerves, but he does his job well, and he means well. He’s a good hard worker and an honest person.  And, um, sometimes I feel really guilty for bringing him to an environment that’s gone to hell in a hand-basket.  I know his job’s not easy now because he’s dealing with stupidity and it wasn’t like that when we started, but it’s gotten that way.

Do you have a least favorite coworker?
oh. I got a bunch.  yeah. I guess my least favorite would be another peer of mine.  She never pays attention in meetings.  She doesn’t know what shes doing.  She’s being paid more than she should be.  I’m pretty sure she’s being paid more than I am.  She has a higher title than I do, yet she doesn’t know shit about what she’s doing.  She was hired into the team without consulting the rest of the team which is not how anyone else was hired – even our boss.  That’s ridiculous.  But, yeah, she’s my least favorite.  I just don’t want to see an email from her.  I don’t want to hear her voice or anything.

Is there anybody at your work that you’ve had a crush on?
Crush? I don’t know.  I’m a very hedonistic person.  There are a couple of people I wouldn’t mind locking myself in the broom closet with.  There might be one.  maybe.  She’s younger than me, but very sweet.  Beautiful with a good heart and tries really hard.  and she’s not afraid to share bad news.  Funny enough tomorrow is her last day, which – good for her.

What would be your ideal job?
I think something where I could give and get knowledge.  Counseling? Teaching, maybe?  Public/Motivational Speaker  would be pretty awesome.

OK. cool. Lets talk about dating.
* chuckles* ok

So, let’s talk about an ideal mate.  What is it about someone that attracts you to them?
Eyes and smile.  I used to be drawn to and dated almost nothing but brunettes, but lately auburn and redheads tend to be a bit more of my thing.  I like slender girls. I like being able to wrap my arms around them and hold them.  I know and have been with some very attractive heavier set women, but I just like short and petite.  Now I find I tend to like taller and still petite.  They need to have their crap together.  It doesnt matter if they have kids or not.  They just gotta be able to take care of themselves.  I don’t want to deal with anybody who cant manage their own life, much less manage a relationship.  That’s not a good place to be.

As far as their career, it doesn’t really matter what they do, as long as they do it well.  Given a choice I’d like someone that has a professional job.  Doesn’t have to be like mine.  Doesn’t have to be my field.  But it would be nice to have that conversation with someone where I could come home and talk about work – good or bad – and they would understand.  Maybe someone in some type of a management role.  Doesn’t have to be management of people; It could be a project, or product, or resource or marketing.  Somebody that deals with the same type of people that I do.  I think that would provide a nice balance when we have those types of conversations.

How about you? Do you want kids?
No.  I’m a great uncle, but a horrible role model.  For the most part, I have a good heart, but I’m a bit out there and I do my own thing. So, it doesn’t really work and I can’t have children, so..

Can’t have children?
No, I had a vasectomy. I’m in my 40s.  I had no intention of starting a family.  I don’t mind inheriting a family, but I have no intention in starting one.  It’s easier to have a vasectomy than have to worry about that especially when I was single.  I don’t have to worry about anyone becoming pregnant.

What was the age when you first kissed somebody?
I was 19. I didn’t date much in high school. I didn’t date at all in high school really. I was short, dumpy, had some self esteem issues. Didn’t think of myself as attractive.  I was very introverted.  That has since changed.. I’m not introverted at all.  Those self-esteem issues went through a lot of my younger life.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?
I was also 19.  Same girl.  we had been dating for a while and she was at my house.  I was 19, she was 16.  First night for everything (oral and intercourse) happened within 2 days of each other.

Do you still keep in touch with that person?
No. no no no. God no. That girl.  She burned so many bridges it’s not even funny. no no

So, there’s no chance you’d ever go sleep with that person again?
No. There’s no way in hell.

Have you ever been married?
um. yeah.  three times.

Three times?

What happened?
Well the first time was that same girl we just talked about. And she, um, decided to sleep with a coworker. lied about what she was doing.  She cheated with someone before we got married.  Broke up, and got back together.  And she um just could not be trusted to keep her legs together.

The second one, we dated for 6 years.  Moved to a new city together.  Started a new life.  I thought that relationship was really going to last forever.  and she ended up falling in love with a coworker.  But she was honest about it and I really appreciate that.

Would you ever get back together with her?
I don’t know, maybe.  We never really fought.  Near the end there was some stress and we argued but we never really fought.  We’re so far apart now in who we are that it probably would never work, but I’d definitely sleep with her again.

And the third one?
I never should have gotten married. I wasn’t in the right head space for it.. and I think neither was she.  We got married and things were great for a while then all kinds of issues came into play and just made life miserable.

What kind of issues?
umm. Drug use.

By her or you?
By her. and then she got me involved as well.

So, what kind of drugs?
Pot and cocaine as well as prescription pills.  I developed a cocaine habit for a while.  And I had to walk away from that relationship and everything. And I’d never go back to any kind of drugs again.

Any drugs in your life now? 
No.  I walked away cold turkey from that life and everything in it back in ’08.  Never looked back.

Do you and her still talk? 
No.  Last I heard she was doing better.  I wished her the best.  I can’t fix people.  They have to fix themselves.  She has to fix herself. I don’t hold grudges.  Life is too short for that.

What would you consider your orientation?
I’m Straight, but Pansexual.

Are you monogamous?
You know, most of my relationships have been monogamous, but I have had a poly relationship and I really liked it.  It fit me well. I know that sometimes I can be a handful to deal with, and um, as long as everyone is open and honest, I think poly is what we are naturally.  And I think that poly is probably the way we are naturally wired our whole lives.  I know that I am poly hearted.  Being in love with someone doesn’t change the fact that I’m in love with someone else and I can be in love with more than one person.  I still am today.

Still are today? 

I thought you said you weren’t in a relationship.
I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be in love.  I’m still very much in love with someone.  I don’t see that as ever changing.

I see.  What happened to that relationship?
*sigh* We started out poly when we met.  And from the minute I met her, I wanted to know her more.  Being with her is the only time in my life I’ve ever felt complete. The only time I’ve ever felt .. correct.  And anybody that comes into my life after that has to live up to that.  I feel sorry for them.  That’s going to be almost impossible.  She’s educated, intelligent, got her life together.  We meshed really well.

If you meshed so well, what happened?
I blew it.  I tried to be something I’m not. Tried to be what I thought a father figure and what I thought a husband was supposed to be and I stopped being that parts of me that made me special and it drove a wedge between us; and neither of us were getting what we needed out of the relationship.  I was too blind to know how to fix it and we needed relief.  I don’t know if we’re soul mates and just destined to exist for a blip and then go about our own way, or if there’s a chance we’ll ever be back together.  I hope so.  I think about her at least once every day.  And I miss her in my life.  And at least once a week I still tell her I love her – even if it’s only in my head.  . . . That’s kind of sad, I guess.

Do you believe in ‘true love’?
I don’t think so.  I’m not cynical, I just believe that love between everyone is different.  And I find it hard to believe that someone can be one’s ‘true love’ – despite what the movies tell you.  As cute and romantic as that sounds, its also hokey.

Then what about a soul mate? You made the reference earlier.
I guess I did, didn’t I? The problem with the term ‘soul mate’ is that it, like ‘true love’ is open to interpretation.  Is a soul mate a kindred spirit that walks your entire life with you and you are never apart from? Or do they walk their own path mirroring your path and periodically intersect with yours?  Do I believe the girl I mentioned earlier is my soul mate? Yes.  I think she believes it too.  My life is better with her in it, it’s more complete.  And I’d hope, even through everything that’s happened, that her life is better with me in it too.   That doesn’t necessarily mean we are destined to be together.  It also doesn’t mean we are ‘star-crossed lovers.’ It means that we share a bond and a connection that is undeniable and persistent.

So, you’ve found your soul mate?
Yes.  But that’s not the question.  The important questions is: Do we only have one soul mate? I am beginning to believe that answer is no.  A soul mate doesn’t have to be romantic.  They can be platonic.  Ever heard the phrase “brother by another mother?”  I think that’s the same concept.  But I’m still thinking on that.

Now, we get to the intimate questions. You ready?

What’s the number of partners that you’ve had?
It’s not as high as you might think.  I’ve had a lot of long term relationships and that lowers the number despite all my promiscuity.  I’d say the number is in the twenties.  I’ve kissed I don’t know how many people between parades, parties, events and things like that.  So, yeah, in the twenties.

Do you have a favorite position?
Yeah. I like reverse cowgirl.  I attracted to a nice ass, more so than breasts, and I love seeing a cute ass in front of me.

Well, what about Doggy?
Doggy is OK.  But I’m a bigger guy, and sometimes that position doesn’t always work.  However, there is a sideways position, where you are straddling a girls leg and she is on her side and you slide into her sideways.  That one’s great because you can see a lot of different things and there are a lot of sensations getting triggered.  That’s a fun position.

Do you think size matters?
I think so . . . a little bit.  For me, because I’m a bigger person, losing weight automatically means i become larger because there’s less fat around the base and I know that makes it easier to do certain things and positions.    I don’t think it matters as much as some people say, as long as you know what you are doing because there are always things you can do along with that to make sure the other person gets pleasure.  I’ve never had a woman have a hard time having an orgasm.   Size matters also applies to females.  Small and tight can be just as horrible as large and loose.

How so?
I dated a girl once that was so small and tight that inserting a pinkie was snug; a thumb caused her discomfort.  So, sex was just painful for both of us.

Do you have any secret desires or fantasies?
You know.. I’m pretty open and I’ve done a lot of stuff.  There was a girl that always wanted to play around with a strap-on.  The thought is intriguing, but don’t think I would enjoy that, so I never let her.  I’ve always been a top when it comes to sexuality.

What do you mean by Top?
More in control.  Not necessarily dominant versus submissive, although I guess in that scenario I’m more dominant. I don’t like giving up control.  Not that I’m a control freak, I just don’t like giving it up.  I’m just more comfortable when I’m in control.

You know. I’ve never had a threesome.  It’s not so much a fantasy as I think it’s something I would really really like to have.

So, if you could go back and give a younger you some advice, what would tell yourself?
take chances.  live fast.  kiss that girl in the condo.  never stop being who you are for anybody and when you get into your thirties, it’s OK to date the strippers and cheerleaders, just don’t marry them asshole.  And when you meet that girl that stops your world, hold on for all it’s worth.  And don’t stop being you because that’s who she fell in love with.